These days, I’m having a hard time. I’m tired, and I also often feel too weak to have fun when I’m doing something. I’m bored, not being able to do anything. Or maybe what makes me feeling this way is just that I am dying, and I’m aware of it.
Most of the time, I manage to find joy in my life anyway, and come share it with you here. But this week, I’m not okay.
I feel like I’m dying. I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I see myself having less and less energy, and being less and less able to do things.
It depresses me, honestly. It’s as if I can see my vitality blowing away, a little more every day.
Total powerlessness
It’s so weird not being able to do anything to get better. I could exercise, but I’ll probably be too tired to live, afterwards. I go to walk outside, but now walking more than 30 minutes wears me out. I have to eat well, but food doesn’t look good to me anymore. I force myself to eat more bites, because I have to if I want to have a little bit of energy. But I’m not hungry.
It seems like there’s nothing I can do that can make a difference in my condition. I can’t even fight to get better, it’s useless, it’s just going to take away my energy.
This week I’m a little depressed.
I want to raise awareness of my illness, but I’m afraid I’ll run out of energy in interviews. I want to help the Foundations, but I can barely help myself. I am supposed to continue my role as a caregiver for my father, but I can barely take care of myself.
I feel diminished every day. And in theory, I still have about 4 years to wait on the waiting list for a cadaveric kidney.
It’s SUCH a long time…
I don’t like it at all.
Yet, I know that I will not die soon. Before that, they will plug me to a machine to filter my blood. But feeling this way for such a long time just sucks. And if it keeps getting worse, I feel like I’m going towards having to stay in bed for the majority of the day.
I’m still waiting, feeling like I’m withering away.
One day, it will be my turn to live.
I can’t wait.
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