As you know, I have been waiting impatiently for 2 years for the kidney transplant that will take place on December 1st. I have two goals with this blog. First, I want to talk openly about my journey, so that those who are going through the same thing feel less alone. Secondly, I want to show our reality to those who can only imagine it.
As the date approaches, I have to be honest with you. Today, I’m talking about the less fun emotions that unintentionally take up a lot of space in my head right now.
A transplant is big. The life of a transplant recipient is not always fun. And given my lack of energy to do activities, I have far too much time to think about what could go wrong. And I’m not doing very well.
Risk management, not a very good idea right now!
My job in life is to be a continuous improvement consultant. One part of my job is risk management. So I’m used to thinking about all the possible risks and making plans in case anything goes wrong.
My favorite phrase: Plan for the worst, hope for the best. But to do that with your own health at stake is really not fun. It brings me into all kinds of terrifying scenarios and there aren’t many I want to experience! In addition, I have an anxious tendency. Nothing to help me right now…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to the transplant! If it could be done tomorrow morning, I would do it without hesitation (well I would not do it myself, but would gladly let the surgeon do it :P). But in the meantime, I’m stressing at home. I’m afraid it will go wrong. Maybe the life after might not be better. I’m scared enough to try not to think. Enough to make me feel empty.
I hate not having control over my life.
The three things that help me get through
The first thing that really helps me is the presence of my partner by my side. He is always there to listen to me and take me in his arms, and it makes me feel so good. I know that my fears are irrational – or at least that I have no control over what’s going on and there’s no point in thinking about it. No matter how irrational my fears are, Thierry listens to me, lets me cry, and brings me back to the present. All this, without judging me even if there is no point in stressing. He understands that I’m not doing it on purpose and that I just need to be heard, and not necessarily reassured. He does me a lot of good and my life is so much better since he is in it! He’s really my rock.
The second thing that helps me is thinking about my donor. They are giving me a kidney, like that, just to help. They chose to have surgery to save my life. How can I be afraid when they do all this with such courage! I can’t really quibble about the operation, it’s really what I want and need, and someone is doing it for me. Thinking about my donor’s courage solidifies me and helps me put things into perspective.
I was going to say that the third thing that helps me is myself and my stubbornness, but honestly I’m pretty fragile this week. My courage is still there, in me, but I realize that I have mostly the courage to do, and maybe not much the courage to wait😛 I can easily gather my courage and put myself into action towards a goal, but doing nothing makes me cra-zy. I need to be in action. Resting doesn’t make me zen at all!
What I can do to get better
Big surprise, I think I need a project. I’m not going to try to write a whole book, but I’m going to try to do 15 minutes a day. If I don’t succeed, that’s okay, but at least I’m aiming towards a goal I want to achieve. I NEED a goal that isn’t just waiting!
I know that my emotions are valid even if they are irrational. I also know that I shouldn’t keep them inside, although I’d rather not admit that they exist because damn, I want the transplant so badly and I’d like to be excited about what’s next. Once named, my emotions weigh less for a time. So I’m going to keep talking about it, and I have an appointment with my psychologist on Thursday.
It’s going to be all right. I wanted to show you the dark side of waiting until the operation. I hope that having written here will also help me a little.
I just want to be fine, but it’s not always easy 🙂
See you soon!
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